4 steps to stop avoiding conflict!
I think that it is safe to say that most people don’t like conflict (with the exception of people who seem to seek it out, but that’s another topic for another day…) And I get that, I hate conflicts. I’ve been very uncomfortable with them in the past, which is also where my passion to prevent conflicts comes from. Unfortunately, many people are avoiding conflict right up until the point when it’s become unbearable and thereby seem to create a snowball effect of negative consequences by ignoring it.
I understand what it’s like to be uncomfortable with conflicts, and why so many people tend to avoid conflict or run away from it. It feels safer to hide away and hope that the problem will somehow magically go away. The problem with that strategy is obvious, it doesn’t work!
So what are you supposed to do? Since confronting a conflict can be overwhelming I’ve put together an easy strategy to help you stop avoiding conflict and start becoming more proactive when dealing with it!
1. Define the conflict
First step I’d recommend is getting clear on what kind of conflicts you want to prevent – is it workplace conflict? Or conflicts with your clients? Maybe you have a recurring conflict in your family? Whatever it is for you, the first step is always to identify the problem. Answer questions like, what is conflict to you? How does that make you feel? When you feel like that, how do you typically react?
Often our fear of dealing with conflict comes from the uncertainty around it (like that big monster under your bed that you were too afraid to even face when you were a kid). But what happens when we take time to identify the actual problem, is that we see that it might not be as bad as we thought. Answering these questions should help you get clarity on what it is that you want to prevent. The solution might actually be staring you in the face, but because you’ve been putting it of and ignoring it, you hadn’t realized it before!
2. Identify the key triggers
Once you have the full picture of the problem, the conflict that you want to prevent, you need to map out what is triggering the conflict. Ask yourself questions like: What is causing the conflict? What are the underlying reasons? Is there a pattern to the conflict situations? What is my contribution to the conflict? Yes, I know this can be tough, but you need to be honest with yourself here and map out everything that contributes to the conflict situation…
Knowing the triggers is crucial for spotting the problem early. When you know the triggers, you can start planning ways in which to prevent them. If we deal with what triggers the conflict, we prevent the actual conflict from even manifesting.
3. Write down your commitment
Now that you know what is triggering the conflict, you see what needs to change, and should be fired up to make a change. Looking on things in black and white will do that to you, but as hard as it can be to acknowledge the truth, it’s often necessary for us to take action! Before you start, you’ll need to figure out why you want to change things, to keep yourself motivated to fix the problem…
The first thing to focus on is visualizing how your life would be if this conflict was always prevented, if the situation was completely resolved, if all the triggers had been removed. What does that look like? How are things different?
When you have that vision, make the decision to get there – say it out loud or write it down – commit to making that your reality. When you’ve done that you are ready to take action!
4. Take action!
As with everything worth pursing in life, it won’t happen unless you take action. The action steps you take are of course going to be different depending on your situation. I hope that these questions can get you started, but I also know that you already have the answer, and if you’ve gotten to this point then you know deep down what it is that you need to take action on.
Taking action might be finally having that talk you have been putting of or telling the person that you’re in conflict with how you really feel.
Maybe it’s working on your self confidence to get to the point where you can have that crucial conversation?
The point here is to really step up and take action around the things that you know you could do differently to influence the situation! This might mean that you are more aware of your conflict triggers and have a specific plan for when they show up. Maybe it’s reminding yourself of this question: How would your highest self react in this situation? Is getting sucked into this conflict situation really worth my time?
For increased clarity on these answers I also recommend writing them down to make the answers stick, if this is really something you want to work on and improve!
These 4 steps to stop avoiding conflict might sound really basic and simplistic (and that’s also the point), because in my experience people spend a lot more time and energy NOT thinking about the conflict than they do answering these simple questions… We all have the choice to deal with conflicts and work through them. You choose whether you want to ignore a problem or drill down on it and prevent it at it’s core. Personally, I believe in fixing the underlying reasons and not just patching up the symptoms. Choosing to work through conflict can be very healing, both for yourself and your inner peace of mind, but also for everyone else involved.
If you are someone who is tired of being stuck in the same tracks, having the same arguments or disputes show up in your life, then it is time to take action. Take back the control and do something about it! If conflicts are causing you stress or negativity then you need to take action, because you alone are responsible for how you are feeling.
I’m tired of seeing people look the other way because it is easier. Because it doesn’t have to be this way, this uncomfortable. I can show you how to make the journey of transformation from being utterly uncomfortable and avoidant to conflicts to having a positive outlook and taking proactive steps to prevent future conflicts, which has given me a much needed peace of mind and clarity. The Road To Resolution is a weekly conflict prevention coaching membership where you learn how to become more comfortable with difficult conflict situations and become a better leader for your team and in your life.
You can learn more about the membership here and we also have a special contest going on in August, where you can win a 12 month membership! Click here to join the contest!
I hope this has been helpful and remember that you have the Power to Prevent Conflict, if you stop avoiding it!
Peace and love,
Lilja